With results from February out I have been working to meet with those that did not pass the bar exam over the last week. The purpose of these meetings is to get a sense of why they were not successful and also to talk about the future. The second part is what I want to focus on in this post. Step one is to help a repeat taker understand the need to grieve their results.
Most of these meetings start with the bar taker presenting a cautiously optimistic front. Do not simply accept their statements that they are over it and ready to get started. We have to push a bit here because it is much better for them to confront their feelings about not passing earlier in the process. Every individual is unique, but I have found success with the following approaches. First, I refuse to talk strategy initially and focus on acknowledging that it is okay for them to be upset. Second, I discuss grief and how it is a very normal response in a situation like this because they are grieving the vision they had for themselves. Admittedly, the grief conversation usually pushes them to reveal their true feelings. ALWAYS have tissues handy. I didn’t know to do this initially and it meant I had to leave them crying a lot to track down tissues.
The third approach is one I use in talking to those that have acknowledged their feelings and those that push past the grief and want to dive right in to the work. At a conference I attended one of the presenters who lost a repeat taker to suicide talked about the “shadow man” that follows repeat takers through the prep process. This stuck with me because it was such a visual representation of something I often see in our repeat taker group. The shadow man follows them through the whole prep process. As they get nearer to the bar the shadow grows longer and can sometimes (in fact, often) overwhelm them. They need to be prepared for this. We need to prepare them for this, and to the extent we can, build in time for when that grief/shadow man rears its head. For those that feel fine and want to dive in, I discuss this and let them know they can reach out at any moment if their feelings change.
Indeed, many of our repeat takers are fine. But, I encourage you to watch this group closely. When I feel someone is in a dark place I bring them in for a one-on-one, sometimes under the guise of doing practice work. For those I have really wanted to keep an eye on, I set them up in a conference room to work near me if they were open to it. I worked with one repeat taker who was on his third round, was dumped by his fiancé when the results came out, and was embarrassed about being on campus. After we had the grief conversation and he opened up, I convinced him to work in a conference room most days so I could keep an eye on him. The proximity and instant pep talks were very helpful to him. We definitely battled the shadow man, but he went on to pass.
Know that every person is different and there is no one size fits all approach. Your challenge is to listen actively and try and read them in the moment. Though it seems counterintuitive, the best practice is to push them to grieve their results before you talk about how to get back into the swing of bar prep. My next post will tackle the getting back at it part of the conversation.